my mouth tastes like poor choices
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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