I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I want to make a zoo with you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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