Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
