Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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