Who did Billy Mays play for?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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