So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
