i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
