Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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