Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
