He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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