ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
