I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize