Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
