How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
