Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
