my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
