Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can text with my tongue
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
