his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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