you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
