If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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