Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
