If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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