her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize