You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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