Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
