I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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