so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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