He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
