I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
