Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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