my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
