i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
