This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize