Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
