she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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