I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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