So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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