I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize