what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
