I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
