How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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