I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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