Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
