i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
