all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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