Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Found your dick twin last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
