whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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