So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
