my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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