I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
