How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
