My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
