And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
