I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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