I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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