The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
