well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
