I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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