did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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