The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
